If I do not publish this today, I am going to rot.
Two years. I first entertained the thought two years ago. I had spent half an hour in an empty Discord channel breaking down my thoughts on some spectacular trainwreck — I believe it was Wonder Egg Priority? — to nobody at all. I am terminally bored. This happens, sometimes. But as I read it back, stumbling over my own leaps in logic, I wondered: would I enjoy running a blog?
I’ve contributed to others’, on occasion. Writing has been a lifelong pleasure of mine, but one which too often falls to the wayside. Proclaiming my opinions, though, is something I will never struggle with.
I figured that I should create my own site shortly after. I have minimal experience with web development, but I trusted myself to catch up to speed on whatever basic competencies the task demanded quickly enough. I was right to: the process was not difficult. It’s one I’ve repeated three times now, in fact.
Two years. I’ve been brushing this last step off for nearly two years since. For when something becomes a task, I find it too easy to put off; when something becomes a project, to finalise and to release it feels like crystallising myself for public display. To really begin writing consistently on a public forum seems much like opening a museum dedicated to archiving every subtle mistake I hope to one day grow past. The thought disgusts me.
But that mindset is juvenile, and I will rot if I can’t leave it behind.
Though today is the first time I’m publishing anything related to this site, I haven’t been so idle as to count time spent daydreaming as time spent trying. There has been a number of pieces I’ve planned out, developed, and occasionally scrapped over the last while, and I have several in the works currently.
Now may not be the best time in my life to begin such an undertaking if I were aiming for consistency. There’s much I am working on across other facets of my private life currently, with commencing what will be my second university degree among them. But I have no obligation to anyone but myself: I am publishing scrap today so that I can break through the haze of private conceptual planning and work on what I want, knowing I have already declared the intent to do so. Embarrassing myself with a monologue I wrote in one sitting is quite painful, but I wouldn’t survive the experience of saying all this only to never follow through on it. I have no doubts that this will help me.
I am young. I have plenty of time to exhaust myself of ideas yet, even writing at a very casual pace. I am starting this today as it is a commitment I must make if I am to work towards becoming the person I’d like to be. If I write something subpar, or can’t write at all for months at a time, it is not that serious. What matters is that I can always work on writing when it suits me, for writing makes me happy.
So, I cannot promise any of my beloved followers anything. I am sorry. But I can do you one better: I am promising myself that I am going to get whatever I make out there to you. I’m not looking to make anything grand or all too self-serious, but I hope whatever I finish for you soon can provide some entertainment, or even rouse some thought.
Currently, I have found myself writing on games — role-playing games, games culture and narrative, Touhou Project: all my standard fare. I don’t want to mark anything specific as Coming Soon for I fear it would become a task, but I’m only finding my footing regardless. This is not a register I often write in. This post will embarrass me the moment I push it to repository: I hope I can say the same for all others which I may publish in future. I want to hurry past all I share, living richer for the effort it took to do so.
If you are interested in whatever else is going on here, I recommend you read my about and attributions pages. As mentioned on the latter, I’m interested in commissioning my own art to replace the current placeholders. I’m extremely poor right now, but it’s something I’m looking to get to sooner or later — feel free to contact me if you are truly eager to help, but it’s likely something I’ll sort on my own time.
Thank you for your interest. Even in the abstract, it does mean a lot.
